barely living
by AGENT Kuma-chan
Summary: It was for the best. He had never been alive in the first place.-Ryoji, MC


**Title:** barely living

 **Prompt:** But how could you live and have no story to tell

 **Character/Pairing:** Ryoji, MC, rest of the cast

 **A/N:** I absolutely love that we can kill him and cause an alternate ending.

 **Summary:** _It was for the best. He had never been alive in the first place._

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"You're asking us to kill you," Fuuka said, dumbfounded. Her eyes didn't leave his once, despite what he had told them.

"Yes," Ryoji confirmed, leaving his words unembellished. There wasn't anything to add, anything to say that could soften the blow.

"So it's a choice between ignorance and knowledge." As expected, Mitsuru got to the heart of the matter. "Either way, you'll die."

"You're asking us to kill you," Fuuka repeated, her voice rising in alarm. She looked at the others, panicked. "He wants us to kill him."

"Yes," Ryoji replied slowly, watching their expressions change with every word. Even the seniors, despite their experience, couldn't hide their reactions. "But don't think of it like that—I'm not really alive."

"Don't fuck with me!" Junpei snapped, slamming his fist on the table. Ryoji almost flinched in surprise at how livid he was. "You are alive!"

He shook his head, trying to find a simpler way to phrase it. "I'm not human."

"You're as human as me," Junpei snarled in response, standing up now. Quickly, he marched up to Ryoji and gripped his shirt, pulling him closer. "You went to school and we went to karaoke and played games and you. Are. Alive."

"Junpei…" Yukari stared at them before nodding in agreement. "Ryoji, you might not be human, but you're still our friend. We _can't_ kill you. We _won't._ "

He blinked, unprepared for the ferocity of her words. For the strength of Junpei's grip, his fingers holding on much harder than Ryoji was clinging to life.

"Even if you weren't our friend, we couldn't kill you," Ken muttered, looking at the ground. "I don't want anyone to die again."

"Yeah…" Akihiko muttered, squeezing Ken's shoulders. "Besides, I won't go down without a fight."

"I'll disappear either way," Ryoji said when he found is voice again. "Whether you kill me or not, I'm disappearing."

Junpei let go of his shirt, looking around the lobby as though he'd find the answers in the furniture. "There has to be another way—we can save you, we—"

"I'm not real!" He was shouting. He was _shouting._ It wasn't supposed to go like this, Ryoji wasn't supposed to be so invested.

He wasn't even supposed to help them in the first place. "I'm a part of Nyx and I will return to her when she arrives."

"You're real," Yukari retorted firmly. Her gaze never wavered. "You're real to us."

"I'm not…" Ryoji could feel his fingers shaking, his throat tremble.

It wasn't supposed to go like this at all. He could feel his own will crumbling, chipped away with each determined word. Quickly, he turned to Aegis. Leaning against the wall, she had watched the whole scene silently. "You…you wanted to kill me, right?"

"I…I still do." Aegis looked up at him and he was taken back to that day, to that bridge. To that fight that changed everything. Her hand rose up and he could see the gears spinning, the barrel end of a gun.

Then her hand fell and she shook her head. "But it would change nothing."

They weren't taking his offer. None of them were taking his offer. He had opened Pandora's box, seen all the potential horrors in his memories, and the hope he offered was being rejected. They'd rather spend their last days terrified and helpless.

Junpei's smile would fade, Yukari's eyes would darken, and MC…

MC was the only one who hadn't spoken yet and Ryoji turned to him now. A last chance. A final hope.

His gift could still be accepted.

Expressionless as always, MC stared at him. Considering it all. Considering the offer.

Rejection sat on his lips and Ryoji cut him off.

"I'll wait upstairs, think about it again."

-x-

It was strange to sit on MC's bed. He had been in this room many times and yet this was his first visit.

Pharos. Thantos. Ryoji. He was all of them and he was only one of them at the same time.

And soon he'd be none of them.

That thought troubled him more than it should have. He shouldn't even be thinking about it as much as he was.

At least this room was consistent. It was empty as ever—if MC had it his way, it would be empty for the rest of time. How much of that was a personal preference and much of it was his influence? Ryoji would never know the boy who existed without him, without any of this. He could barely know the boy who lived now, let alone one of a fantasy life.

Even the blanket was plain, devoid of personality. His hand patted the bedspread as he thought about it. This was where it all started: his awakening, the night visits, their friendship. Even his desire and emotions came from here.

It was a fitting place for it to end.

A knock interrupted his thoughts. Ryoji looked up as MC entered the room. He said nothing as he sat on the bed next to Ryoji, just looking about his room as though he was looking at it for the first time. Maybe he was. Considering his personality, maybe he had never really considered the concept of his own room.

"We've met here many times," MC commented finally, the first words he had spoken all night. He was looking at Ryoji. Really looking at him—he felt exposed, oddly vulnerable. As though MC could see right through him.

"Yes, our midnight chats." Ryoji smiled awkwardly. "You woke me up."

"Is that what caused—"

Ryoji cut him off quickly. "No, Nyx was always going to come. Even then, I could feel her calling, though I couldn't understand."

"Oh, I see." MC stared at the ground. "And you can't be saved?"

"No, but that just means you have to take this chance and save yourself," he pleaded, one last time. "You can just kill me here, no one would know. And tomorrow will just be an ordinary day at school."

MC looked doubtful still. "That sounds like a dream."

"This is a dream," Ryoji corrected. "I am a dream and you're just waking up from it."

"I don't think so." MC leaned closer, examining him. His eyes were like a mirror, Ryoji could see his face in it.

Even that night, so long ago, his true form had been reflected in those eyes. Ryoji's hand reached up, his fingers brushing against the corners of those eyes. How many years had he spent inside there, watching everyone, feeling everything?

Too many. His hand dropped back. This fake heart that beat inside of him was filled with more emotions than he could name. Joy. Sorrow. Fear.

Hope.

"It'll be fine," he promised. "I want…I want you to be happy from now on."

"…I don't think I know how," MC muttered. "Not before I came here."

"You'll only lose your memories of the night, of the fighting, of me." Ryoji pressed on. "You'll keep everything else."

"And then we'll die."

"But you won't die afraid."

MC swallowed hard, looking down at his hands.

"It'll be fine." Ryoji urged, lifting his face and exposing his neck. "It's better this way."

"It's not," MC finally responded but he moved his hands all the same. Ryoji smiled as they wrapped around his throat gently. "It's not at all."

"It is," he repeated. "Thank you."

It was the right choice. It was the best choice. He had never existed in the first place. This was how things should have been.

"No, it is not,"MC said, stronger now, pulling his hands away. He sat up and shook his head. "I can't do it. I _won't_ do it."

Ryoji stared at him. A thousand emotions ran through him and he was alive he was alive he was still alive.

"You're my friend too," MC answered his unspoken question softly. "I can't kill you."

And for the first time, Ryuuji understood hate. For MC, for Nyx, for how it would all play out.

But most of all, for himself. It wasn't supposed to be a lie. He had meant everything he said.

And yet, despite it all, he still felt relief when MC let go.

"I'm sorry."

Ryoji wasn't sure if he was apologizing to MC or to himself.

"I'm so sorry."

He had wanted to live.


End file.
